Steps to Better Yes and No: Living an Imitable Life

If you're anything like me, most of us say yes to too much and no to too little. This leads to overcommitment, exhaustion, and a calendar that doesn't reflect our values. But before we dive into how to fix this, let's establish something crucial:

Your worth and value come from God alone, not from what you accomplish or how busy you are.

In Genesis 1, God created humans in Their image. Psalm 8 tells us we're crowned with glory and honor. Ephesians 1 says God chose us before creation for adoption into His family. Your value is declared by God – and you can't undo what God declares.

With that foundation laid, let's look at Jesus' words in Matthew 5:37:

"Let your yes be yes and your no be no. For whatever is more than these is from the evil one."

Here's the challenging truth: We don't like saying no, which weakens our ability to say meaningful yeses. We're nice people who want to be helpful. Saying an outright "no" can feel rude or inconsiderate. But every time we say yes when we should say no, our previous commitments get diluted.

As author Shauna Niequist writes:

"People love it when you say yes. They get used to it. They start to figure out who the people are who will always say yes, always come through, always make it happen."

But she continues,

"In my rampant yes-yes-yesing, I said no without intending to – to rest, to peace, to groundedness, to listening, to deep and slow connection built over years instead of moments."

So how do we wield a scalpel of no to remake our lives? Here are three not-so-easy steps:

1. Set Your Values

Values are your judgment of what's important in life. Whether you realize it or not, you have a list of values that guide your decisions. Make them explicit. Write them down. Here are some examples from my wife Emily and me:

• Experiences over things
• If it can be done together, we'll do it together
• Your emotions are valid and deserve attention and empathy
• The church is the world's best hope to experience the love of God
• Schedule Sabbath and margin first

2. Believe That Pruning Leads to Growth

Jesus uses this metaphor in John 15:

"I am the true vine and my Father is the gardener... every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful."

Even good things sometimes need to be cut back for better growth. Abiding and pruning lead to bearing fruit.

3. Accept That It's OK to Disappoint People

Don't confuse the command to love with the disease to please. Even Jesus – God in flesh, perfect and flawless – disappointed people.

If Jesus couldn't please everyone, why do you think you can?

But what about saying yes? Here are three quick guidelines:

1. Ask "What is my best yes?" Not just a good-enough yes, but one that makes you come alive and uses your gifts to benefit others.
2. Remember Lisa TerKeurst's wisdom: "Whenever you say yes to something, there is less of you for something else. Make sure your yes is worth the less."
3. Do it for Jesus. As Colossians 3 says, "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart as though working for the Lord, not for people."

Your calendar reflects your values. By learning to say better nos and more meaningful yeses, you can build a life worth imitating – one that reflects the way of Jesus rather than the demands of everyone else.