Public Confession

Public confession. There’s a pastor acquaintance of mine who’s posting these 50 minute long Q and As. They’re great! The pastor is super smart, incredibly articulate, funny.

But when I see them I’m struck with petty envy. Part of it is platform envy. Like, I want people to not only listen to me for 50 minutes, but then share it and tell other people.

As a young pastor platform envy is a constant temptation. Comparing yourself to others is a losing battle that it’s difficult to not throw yourself into. I do my best to avoid notoriety, but there’s an incessant draw to it. L

But the other thing that makes me envious is that, I don’t know about you, but my brain is mush. Call it brain fog. Call it the effect of living in a stressful pandemic for 540+ days. Whatever is, I have this constant sensation of, “Didn’t I used to be more capable than this? Less testy, more witty. Didn’t I have more anecdotes and interesting information in my brain? Couldn’t I hold my attention on something for more than 5 minutes at a time? How is anyone able to do 50 minutes of Q&A when I’m struggling to remember if I ate breakfast?"

Anyway. Not looking for pity. Or advice. Mostly just confessing the envy. And wanting to say that you’re in that constant state of brain fog, wondering how anyone else around you is getting anything done, you’re not alone.